Monday, November 15, 2004

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I am so depressed right now. I'm not doing so good at faking happiness. My instructor sent me home from class. He also suggested I take tomorrow off- as in not go to work or to classes. Guess I look even worse than I thought. Can't do that though. I have bills to pay and I can't afford to miss class just because I'm depressed.
I'm not eating. I'm drinking way too much pop. I'm smoking a whole lot. This is bad. I'm seriously considering cutting my hair off. (It's about 4 inches shy of hitting my waist.) I want to cut it all off. You know how there are some cultures that cut all their hair off when they mourn? That's how I feel right now. I painted my toenails black. Woulda done my fingernails too but didn't have time. I want to get another tattoo, or a piercing, or something. I guess I want to cause myself some physical pain to go with the emotional pain.
This is bad. Depression runs in my family. I have gotten pretty depressed before, but I think I've sunk to a new low. And it's not like I can tell anyone about it. My best friend knows about him cheating, a few people at work know, but thats about it.
I'm not telling his family or mine. It's none of my parents business, and it would just cause his parents unnecessary pain. Of course, having to pretend to be happy around his mom today was horrible. I love her dearly, and I don't want her to know something was wrong. She mighta got an inkling when she hugged me goodbye, since I reek of smoke.
I'd like to get drunk. Maybe that would make me feel better for a little while. I think I'll go have one shot- maybe two- and then I'll put my son in bed with me and let him watch his Thomas movie. Maybe I can get some sleep that way. Two shots won't make me drunk, but it might take the edge off.

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