Life goes on.
Amazingly enough, it does.
Still have times when I want to scream and throw things, but overall life is back to normal- except that he's being a lot nicer. The friend who told me about all this emailed me the other day and said that hubby was lying and he could prove it. Course then he emailed hubby and told him the same thing, and told him that he told me to check hubby's chat logs. Well, duh, I already did that... but since he mentioned it to hubby... I can't anymore because he disabled it. Damn it. Moron. Wish he'd shut the hell up.
Oh well. We put up our Christmas tree today. I went shopping and bought a few things. My shopping is close to finished already. Now I just have to start wrapping everything. Fun fun.
...
I am so depressed right now. I'm not doing so good at faking happiness. My instructor sent me home from class. He also suggested I take tomorrow off- as in not go to work or to classes. Guess I look even worse than I thought. Can't do that though. I have bills to pay and I can't afford to miss class just because I'm depressed.
I'm not eating. I'm drinking way too much pop. I'm smoking a whole lot. This is bad. I'm seriously considering cutting my hair off. (It's about 4 inches shy of hitting my waist.) I want to cut it all off. You know how there are some cultures that cut all their hair off when they mourn? That's how I feel right now. I painted my toenails black. Woulda done my fingernails too but didn't have time. I want to get another tattoo, or a piercing, or something. I guess I want to cause myself some physical pain to go with the emotional pain.
This is bad. Depression runs in my family. I have gotten pretty depressed before, but I think I've sunk to a new low. And it's not like I can tell anyone about it. My best friend knows about him cheating, a few people at work know, but thats about it.
I'm not telling his family or mine. It's none of my parents business, and it would just cause his parents unnecessary pain. Of course, having to pretend to be happy around his mom today was horrible. I love her dearly, and I don't want her to know something was wrong. She mighta got an inkling when she hugged me goodbye, since I reek of smoke.
I'd like to get drunk. Maybe that would make me feel better for a little while. I think I'll go have one shot- maybe two- and then I'll put my son in bed with me and let him watch his Thomas movie. Maybe I can get some sleep that way. Two shots won't make me drunk, but it might take the edge off.
Depression takes hold.
Today I am horribly depressed. I only slept about 3 hours last night, and it wasn't very good sleep. This whole mood swing thing is getting old fast. Today I want to scream and throw things, or maybe just curl up and cry... but unfortunately I can't do that. Still can't cry.
Being cheerful at work is getting to me.
Hmmm...
Well, I guess I've gone back to numb- or maybe on to not caring. I'm feeling sort of disassociated. It's still there, and it still pops into my head at random moments, but I don't feel anything. On the other hand, that includes sex. I'm just so... not interested... which is so not me. I suppose this will pass, too, eventually.
He's still being really sweet- we're going to get family pictures taken today. That sounds really stupid right now, doesn't it. I think my thoughts are that we haven't had one done since our youngest was born- he's 3- and just in case, I'd like to have a picture that has all four of us in it. The kids might like to have it when they're older.
Oh, hell, who am I kidding? It's not likely that I'm going to leave him, I'm too stupid.
I'm just not getting into the Christmas spirit this year. Most years I'd be putting up decorations the week after Halloween. This year I don't even want to think about it. Right now I don't want to think about anything. I think I need another cigarette and then I need to go get dd6 out of the tub and start getting the kids ready for picture time.
Oh- and that's another thing- hubby asked me if I'd like to go out for a family meal this weekend. We rarely eat out as a family- and when we do it's usually McDonalds or Wendys. He said he wanted to go someplace nice. Er, okay, but this is just weird. So we're going out to dinner after our photo session.
The shock is passing...
...but sorrow is setting in. I still haven't cried. I can't. Hubby says I won't because I'm stubborn. He's being so nice right now. Makes me want to hug him and kick him all at once. Last night my bad knee was bothering me so he offered to put muscle rub on it for me. It was really nice. My shoulders are broken out from the stress so he rubbed aloe gel all over my back, too.
I still don't know what to do. I told him last night that if there was even a possiblity of something else from the past coming up in the future he better tell me. Today he said he really didn't think anything else had happened (still sticking with the 'drunken blackout' thing). It's really hard to deal with this. I've started smoking again- I quit months ago, but it was either a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of booze. Like I told him, if I'd found out about this six months ago, I would have kicked him out. But now, after the best five months in our marriage, I find that hard to do. I'm either an optimist or a moron. Probably both.
Time to clean up the house. He asked if some of our friends could come over tonight after work. I told him that would be fine. So at about 11:45 tonight my house will be filled with an assortment of males carrying
Raw Deal cards and (hopefully) poker chips.
All the entries to date on my previous blog.
Tuesday, 09 November 2004
Well fuck.
Got a phone call tonight. From one of hubby's friends. He informed me that hubby slept with his girlfriend. Hubby says that it was a time that he was really drunk and it might have happened- he doesn't remember. Hubby is acting horribly torn up about it. Me? I'm numb. Not even surprised, much. Don't know what I'm gonna do- aside from making him get an STD test just in case. I want to talk to her, but haven't yet.
Posted by: ButterflyLane at 23:43
Wednesday, 10 November 2004
Well fuck part 2
talked to her tonight. it happened. she apologized repeatedly. her only excuse (paltry though it is) is that they were both really drunk. Yeah. like that solves it. oh, you were drunk, so it isnt your fault that you fucked my husband and your boyfriends best friend? argh. not like i really am surprised. ive suspected for a long time.
not to mention the fact that he's still saying he doesnt remember what happened. well she does. she admitted it to me.
the one redeeming factor was that about the time it happened was when hubby finally agreed to move. my current theory was that he realized that either we move away or id find out and leave him. if id found out when it happened, id have left him. it was a bad patch in our relationship. but the past 5 months have been among the best in our marriage. so should i call it quits when he obviously tried to make amends?
im so confused. i'll probably just stay with him. that's okay- if it happens again, i dont care how drunk he is- i'll cut his dick off and feed it to him for dinner. with gravy. I make really good gravy.
Posted by: ButterflyLane at 21:58
Thursday, 11 November 2004
hubby is claiming that since he doesnt remember he doesnt think it happened, he doesnt feel like it happened... like i should feel sorry for him. oh, poor baby, you dont remember cheating on me, so i should feel sorry for you. i'm not even sure i believe him about not remembering.
Posted by: ButterflyLane at 06:56
March 24th, 2004 The day my life was royally fucked.
Posted by: ButterflyLane at 21:15
Well fuck.
I'm starting this blog to detail my feelings upon discovering my husband of seven years cheated on me.
With someone younger and skinnier.
Who also happened to be his best friend's girlfriend.
